Heart in Turmoil

I have went back and forth about this post for a week now. This blog has taken me somewhere I didnt expect... You see, when I first started it I wanted to do it for my family back in Missouri as a way to keep up with our little Weston. A few people were able to figure it out, but it didnt go as great as I hoped. Then before I knew it I was sharing my heart and that is what most of my posts consist of now. As women we love to share what we know...whether it be with cooking, cleaning, taking care of our precious little ones and loves...just about anything. I enjoy sharing with you. I love women, I think we are God's treat to men and we make life a lot more colorful and sweet.
So, I have decided to share this story with you. One, because it has been on my heart lately, Two because of what it taught me "God wins". My prayer is that you can apply my answer from the Lord to some part of your life where you are struggling right now. This lesson runs through my head everytime I have to deal with a new twist in life and just about crumble to pieces.
This time last year my heart felt like it was upside down. Finding out we were pregnant was the most exciting and surprising news I had ever recieved. Cameron and I practically skipped into the doctors office one week and a year ago today. Everything was super...the doctor loved our names; for a boy it was Henry and for a girl it was Terrill ;) Then, it came time for the sonogram and we were full of just about every excitable emotion as she began. And then, my heart plumeted to the floor. She said "this isnt what we typically like to see at 6-8 weeks" After watching Marley and Me the Sunday before I knew exactly what that meant...no baby. There was nothing on the screen...no sweet heart beat or dot of what could be the most precious of God's gift.
I, being a woman who was already attached the this precious sweetie lost it. I cried and cried and cried...the hardest ever in my life. More than when my heart was broke into a million pieces at seventeen, more than when my grandma died, and more than when I left my family and home to move to Texas. This was a real heart ache...none could compare. Cameron, being stronger than me wrapped me in his arms and let me cry and cry and cry. I couldnt stop...they brought the lab to us and did the blood work in the room and let me finish crying and we left.
The doctor called us into her office and requested a more in depth sonogram and gave us a little pep talk about miscarriages and what to expect. She told us that they are common and usually it is because something was wrong with the baby.
I remember driving home and telling Cameron "I dont want another baby someday, I want this baby"
When we got home my pregnancy books and "baby" stuff smacked me in the face and I told Cameron I couldnt be at home so we went to get breakfast. We both called our bosses to tell them we werent going to be coming back in to work.
So, we had breakfast came back home and of all things I dug in the dirt and planted some flowers and prayed. I dont remember the prayers I prayed, but I know He was there listening and nudging my hurting heart along. As I prayed something happened...peace. Cameron and I took a big walk and prayed together and talked and more peace came. By the end of the day I was feeling more at peace that God didnt want me to have this baby, he needed it. Cameron bought me a necklace that day. It had a charm of the dove carrying the olive leaf after the flood. He said, "Just like God made everything perfect again and took care of Noah...he is doing the same for us".
I  was still devastated, but my trust in God's will for my life carried me. Then on Monday I called to get my bloodwork results and guess what, my levels were rising. I couldnt be excited, but I knew something good was coming. We went back in for another ultrasound and the doctor was wrong. I just wasnt far enough along to see anything. Cameron and I were on cloud 9 ... but I was scared. One of the things this event taught me was, how precious this miracle was and how quickly it could vanish. So I prayed and prayed that God would let me carry this child. And he did. A year later my heart is full of thanksgiving for Weston and I praise God for teaching me the lessons he did during this time. This time last year my heart was full of the unknown. "Will I be able to carry him" What if the ultrasound doesnt show anything again" "What if I start bleeding or cramping" and so the list goes on as we all know.
The biggest lesson this miracle has taught me is, God wins. Trust in him with your plans and dreams and His Will  will be done. Now, I know not every circumstance turns out this way, especially with the unfortunate occurance of miscarriages, but whatever way things turn out it is His plan for our lives and we can trust in that.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me me an come and pray to me and I will listen to you.

Jeremiah 29:11-12

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3:5-6

A little smile from God :) Right after I finished spilling my heart these were on the wall in my back yard. These my friends are morning doves :) what a gift.

and here is my little dove. So hard to get a picture of, but I wanted to share it with you

I pray you step a little lighter today as you step with your heart trusting in the Lord.