On Being Free Spirited...

When I was pregnant with Weston my mom told me a time or two

"I hope that when you become a mom you dont lose your free spirit"

I remember thinking to myself. "Whatever mom, becoming a mom wont change me. I will always be me,  I will just have another person besides myself to take care of and love on."

After being a mom for almost two years now :) (so long I know). I can honestly say I have changed. Becoming a mom has changed everything I thought I knew about myself. I found my heart, my voice and what I was put on this earth for. And he is laying in his crib right now sleeping away.

I cant even imagine how another sweet child is going to change and mold me. For some reason I keep thinking that the transition of adding another sweet baby to our family will be easier in some ways and harder in others. Easier in the fact that I am in deed already fulfilling the motherly role. When I had Weston everything was new and fresh and scary. I was so insecure and vulnerable. I had been given such a gift and had to care for this sweet child all day (and night) all by myself with not much direction other than maternal instincts (what would we do without those?)

But through that period of time I not only learned and grew into a momma, I found myself. I have never been so dependent on God's grace and my faith in Him in my life. We are not in control of anything, although we try so hard to be. Weston's care is primarily in HIS hands, not mine and I am reminded of that constantly.

I have never been more content and happy with the person I am right now, ever, in my whole life.

And it is not because I went some seminar or read some book. It is simply because I have given everything up that I thought made me who I was. My wants, my time, my "needs"... all of that sort of thing. And it has been replaced with a momma, who is whole and complete and so thankful to be who she is and love on who she gets to love on.

Most of my labor and daily hard work is never seen except in God's view. No one see's my tears when my baby is sick or I am worn out from telling him "no" all day... except for God. It is truly the most rewarding thing I have ever done even though I dont get praise, raises, bonuses, or taken out to lunch, ever I know this is the greatest job I will ever have.

I dont need those things, I dont want those things. I want exactly what I have here and now. I want to love on it, care for it, and treasure it. And just by stating those words I know I have changed. I have grown up with Weston these past two years and while I teach him to say please and not to throw things (eee) he teaches me what really matters.

So, yes, I am indeed not as free spirited as I once was. On some hard days I feel like I have no spirit at all, but then I am reminded of something. It is not that I have "lost" my free spirit, I have given it away. I have given the carefree heart I once had to a small boy who loves to run and play in the rain. Who laughs at anything and loves to sing. He doesnt have to take care of himself and worry about nutrition and well being because I do. He doesnt have to pray for his friends (yet) and future, because I do. He doesnt have to wrestle himself to sleep and worry about having clean clothes the next day, because I do. He is free spirited and wild. He doesnt have a care in the world and it's because I am caring for his little world right now.

So, if I dont seem as free spirited as I once was, that is why. I have given it to him and that to me is more beautiful than having it myself. He is my constant little reminder of what really matters and when I forget what it was like to be carefree and wild all I have to do is walk outside and see him playing in the rain.